S2023W05:: GZL POWER RANKINGS
The 'Fast Food' Edition
Friday, December 8th, 2017
AF, GreenZone Media Committee
WANT TO CATCH UP?
S2022W01 (Lord of the Rings)
LONG JOHN SILVERS::
32. Miami Dolphins ( LR #21 )
These fish are probably cooked already. And we're not talking high end sushi here, we're talking fish sticks and hush puppies. Bottom of the barrel disgusting seafood that you can't even give away. Despite the grotesque lineup, this franchise actually has some followers, but mostly just whores, pimps, and snow birds.
CAPTAIN D'S SEAFOOD::
31. Philadelphia Eagles ( LR #17 )
A place full of excitement, as you don't know if you're going to get jumped, stabbed, hit in the head with a battery-filled snowball, or shot. And if you're lucky enough to dodge all those fortunes, there's still the strong chance you will get food poisoning or meningitis. This team has a classy owner, and the blueprint looks good on paper, but the execution is just sorely missing in it's current makeup. Silver Linings Playbook dictates though, that at least Captain D, D'Onta Foreman is cruising towards Rookie of the Year honors.
30. San Francisco 49ers ( LR #15 )
It's a crime this franchise is ranked so low, as they have far too much talent. I swear they've drafted at least five guys in the Top 10 since management took over. Despite their current status, this is a quality establishment where you can watch (Dalvin) Cook
your burger and fries. The food is delish - one of the best burgers around - but it's the (bag of) fries that shines here.
29. New York Giants ( LR #24 )
This franchise had such a troublesome relationship with women under previous management - JP, who notoriously had a love/hate relationship with women - and Romeo, who we're pretty sure was a pimp, so it's only natural that they hired a female to run the franchise and clean up all those sexists commercials. Early results haven't been good - as no matter what they try they seem to just keep catching L's.
28. Jacksonville Jaguars ( LR #8 )
This is just a franchise that sounds like it would work way better than it actually does. Upper-end entrees like stuffed pizza, stromboli and calzones served in mall food courts for when you're shopping and hungry. That is a WINNING formula. Those are offensive weapons that should score points in bundles. However, as it turns out, dough under a Home Depot warming lamp re-heated in a brick oven every 30 minutes just ends up tasting very underwhelming and questioning why you paid so much when you could have went next door and got 37 items at the Chinese place for half the price.
27. Denver Broncos ( LR #9 )
You could eat here... but why? Even if you're a mile high, there have to be better options than this place, right? I mean, they have the meats... if that's your thing. So many meats. Deer. Pork tenderloin. Roast Beef. Bacon. Ham, ROAST BEEF. Before long you'll be able to eat (Kyle) Rudolph
reindeer sandwiches. But you're just going to pay too much, get a stomach ache, and remember they will never be as good as that one super time you ate there a few years ago. That trip is starting to look like an anomaly - one at the expense of some bitter pirates.
CHURCH'S CHICKEN/TEXAS CHICKEN::
26. Houston Texans ( LR #27 )
25. Dallas Cowboys ( LR #7 )
These teams are so similar in the league that it's hard to differentiate. Two teams that probably should have a Championship just based on what they are cooking with in the kitchen, but for whatever reason they fall short. The Cowboys are a little better historically and get to claim the "best in Texas" title, but that's not saying much. Just an anomaly of an establishment where you wouldn't be surprised to see either team take off and gain notoriety, but you also wouldn't be surprised if you got jumped in their parking lot and shot at with a pistol.
STEAK & SHAKE::
24. Oakland Raiders ( LR #3 )
Does a lot of things right. Some of the best shakes in the game, a sneaky good burger, and some very underrated slim fries. Their breakfast menu is super underrated, but we are approaching the territory where their menu is just too big. It's a confusing playsheet - one that could really be tough to perform with if put in the hands of a youngster, like 23-year old Mitch Trubisky. Have been so good for so long, have to give them credit that they'll turn it around sooner rather than later.
23. Buffalo Bills ( LR #30 )
Underrated, but definitely under perform from time to time. Way more of them upstate than in NYC. Have a strong fan base that will support this team through thick and thin, even in their pitfalls. Did you know that Jimmy John's has been on Earth for 34 years? Like most of the players on the roster. If winning is to occur, occur it better soon.
22. Baltimore Ravens ( LR #29 )
Had a big run back in 2012, but subsequent trips have been mostly disappointing. Playing in the division they do, you're surprised to learn that they have won their division 3 of the last 7 years - but I guess that would make sense in order for a mall pretzel store to be able to stay in business AND keep raising prices. Don't attribute longevity to their addition of innovative items like their bagel dogs. It just keeps customers because it's a good place to take your girlfriend or side chick when she's hungry, but you're not in (Dimitrius) Love
with her and don't want to drop $$ on a real meal.
21. Chicago Bears ( LR #14 )
How depressing is that? In one of the pizza hubs of the world, being stuck with DOMINO'S. But that's what Chicago is looking like. All the potential in the world, yet have to settle for 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th) rate results. Not really sure what will turn it around for this franchise, but it doesn't help when Little Ceasars is beating you and making you look like Clowneys
20. St. Louis Rams ( LR #11 )
They had a good run a few years ago, but lately they just look like the shell of infrastructure that will never be Chic-fil-A. They still have some good items on the menu, and can hit the spot on the right day - usually a Sunday when the better option is closed - but they are still lacking something.
19. New Orleans Saints ( LR #1 )
Louisiana cooking - probably never going to be mainstream, but can really hit the spot. Seems to surge for periods of time, then rapidly disappears for long spans. Good marketing team and some real talent on the menu, this franchise is always a threat to make a run. Right now might not be their peak, however.
MOE'S SOUTHWEST GRILL::
18. Minnesota Vikings ( LR #16 )
The addition of Moe Jackson, the most underrated player in GZL history, has helped this team go from a defense that allowed 23.4 points per game (18th) to a team that allows 14 points per game (1st). That is just the MOE factor that has them sweating up north. Despite a tough loss to a divisional foe, they murdered the dirty birds and continue to (Brandon) Cooks
up the competition, Ha-Ha
17. Tennessee Titans ( LR #5 )
This perennial success story has taken a few hits lately, but drafting a studly SS Jack (Xavier Jackson III) to move down into the box has helped this franchise post a Top 5 run defense. They'll need it, as after over a decade, you have to wonder if their window of opportunity is getting ready to run away. I'm banking on them coming through with a happy ending, but who knows.
16. Carolina Panthers ( LR #20 )
Beloved in Carolina, and now reaching a broader audience. Surprising they have never been considered an elite franchise, but when you consider their division it sort of makes sense. Fantastic food, but always prone to having an off day where you end up with a box of stale biscuits. Could really push for regional dominance with the right leadership, but they've always been kinda chicken.
15. Cincinnati Bengals ( LR #19 )
Really good, but overshadowed by the more popular restaurant in its division. Most of its hardcore supporters are in the midwest. Fitting stupid name, Q-Doba, for the plethora of employees like Damon, Damontre, DeAndre, DeMarco, and Dwayne. Lately, a string of super years have resulted in plenty of Q-DUBYA's.
14. Indianapolis Colts ( LR #31 )
A fun franchise that has a strong following, but you're pretty sure you've eaten horse meat there before. This is a go-to for many in a weak division, primarily because of their loose morals and long hours. Has the potential to win a championship, but most of the time you just end up with heartburn.
13. Green Bay Packers ( LR #2 )
Surging defending champs. As much potential as any franchise going. The menu goes DEEP, and perhaps some of the best side pieces you can get in the game. The upside is huge here - but it's still pretty pricey, which could defer some from putting it on top of the throne.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers ( LR #22 )
Was one of the best for a long time. There was a LONG period of time where if you asked most people what their favorite franchise was, they'd say this one. Over time, the cracks have started to show and it's lost it's luster. They're doing their best to dress it up, but it's not really working. Probably getting too much credit here, just based on prior reputation.
11. Kansas City Chiefs ( LR #26 )
Once very popular, they appear to be making a comeback under new management. You may have even forgot this exists, and you may even assume it's still the old Colonel leading the franchise, but that's actually a new Colonel dressed to impersonate someone they'll never be able to replace. Using a patented recipe of 11 herbs and 5 spices, the food still delivers regardless. We're not good at math down here in the country, so I can't tell you what 11 x 5 is, though. Is it 72?
10. New England Patriots ( LR #6 )
Versatile spot. Can satisfy you a lot of different ways, and finds ways to win with a buffet of options, rather than any specific go-to item. We've all been wasted before and went on a bender
there and felt like a star
. Leaves you feeling quite satisfied, but if you eat too much, it'll ertz
the next morning.
9. Cleveland Browns ( LR #32 )
Seemingly been around forever - and actually has a small cult following - but this is no place for a meal. Every now and then you can get a quick sweet treat here, but you'll never stay full for long. Every now and then will come up with some new item that will generate some buzz, but you never truly think, "hey, this franchise is the next big thing."
8. New York Jets ( LR #25 )
Still pretty good, and can hit the spot if you're really hungry. That said, you're not going to brag about it to your friends or post about it on social media. Named after an unpopular, yet necessary, and often times dangerous, mode of travel in the big apple. Much like the former, sometimes it'll get you where you're going, but sometimes it will leave you smelling like piss.
7. Detroit Lions ( LR #12 )
Very popular in Michigan, but considered trashy most other places. Cannot deny the value this franchise brings, even if when you eat it you know you're settling. Despite that, leaves you full and sometimes surprises you. Innovative creations, and often imitated. Surprisingly generous and likeable, and frankly a guilty pleasure for many.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers ( LR #13 )
So good for so long it might actually be underrated
at this point. Most people have got things from this place before, but nobody wants to tell their friends about it. A guilty pleasure for most, but they've sold like a billion burgers, so somebody
is eating there. Not bad if taken in moderation, but if taken daily can be really damaging to your health. Recently added crab to the menu to satisfy their leader.
5. Seattle Seahawks ( LR #10 )
Nobody is really sure how to classify this franchise, but we just know it's wildly popular and the ladies love it. Stays ahead of the curb on social issues, which sometimes gets it in trouble. Overall pretty level headed and a proven winner. Each year you can count on this to finish in the upper tier of franchises.
4. Atlanta Falcons ( LR #28 )
Everything on the menu tastes delicious. You eat it and you wonder why this franchise is not more popular or main stream and have never, ever won anything of significance. The food is surely not good for you, but you don't care. You're secretly happy they don't have any of these near your house, and sometimes forget they even exist, but every few years they do something amazing and you are happy to see them as many times as you can before they go away for a while again.
3. Arizona Cardinals ( LR #18 )
Hey, remember when these were considered like the next big thing? It's hard to ponder
how a seemingly 10 year window where this could have snatched the title ended where we are now - with you barely hearing from them unless your child is doing a school fundraiser. Definitely still good, but not good for you. Probably needs a change in management and a new marketing campaign, despite continued financial success.
2. San Diego Chargers ( LR #23 )
Widely viewed as just one of the best to ever do it. Keeps it simple and classy, but always satisfies and impresses. One of the most decorated and accomplished franchises on the list. Unfortunately, the rise of rival franchises in their division have resulted in the name "in and out" being more of a reference to post-season success in recent years, but that appears to have changed.
1. Washington Redskins ( LR #4 )
An all-time great. Everyone agrees on the quality the franchise brings. Some might object for moral reasons. Recently added Kale to the menu, which many thought would hurt them, but they appear to be as strong as ever. (WTF is a Super
Food? Is that like a Super
Thanks for reading! This is an OCCASIONAL feature! I would love to hear your thoughts!